Coping with fertility treatment my way

It’s been a difficult journey so far. 6 unsuccessful IUIs, 2 miscarriages and a cancelled cycle has taken its toll, and coping with it all has been hard.

This last few weeks I’ve filled my time with lots of baking. Bread, cake, quiche, all sorts. And it’s helped. It keeps me busy and I feel like I’m achieving something.

Unfortunately there’s only so much baked goods we can eat, so I have to rein it in a bit. Bit at least I’ve found a way to cope.

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One of my favourite bible passages

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”” -Revelation 21: 2-4 (NIV)

I usually find it so comforting.

Today I feel a long way from God.

We need prayers and baby dust!

Today is day 14. The end of the 2 week wait. Blood test day.

OH has peed on 3 sticks over the last few days, and has got some desperately faint lines to show for it.

She had spotting on Sunday, and nothing since. Her boobs are sore. She is nauseous. This is the first time we’ve got beyond day 13 without her period starting.

OH feels pregnant.

Why can’t the damn pee sticks reflect this?

I realise Sunday is quite late for a whacking great positive test, but this feels so familiar.

When we had the miscarriage, OH knew she was pregnant. But the tests never showed it. I’m terrified it’s happening again.

We’ll get the blood results back around 4. Please pray for us?

Are we nearly there yet?

When I was a child, we used to drive to various parts of the UK on holiday. The familiar refrain rang out again and again, long after my parents had lost patience with it.

“Are we nearly there yet Mam?”

Sometimes I would say it with my tongue firmly in my cheek, sometimes one of us would say it before we left the drive…

Fast forward a couple of decades, and I’m at it again. 9 days in to the 2 week wait, and I’ve asked the TTC equivalent of ‘are we nearly there yet’ a couple of times already. As soon as I ask, I hate myself for it!

Do you feel any different? Do you feel pregnant?

And this doesn’t take into account all the times I’ve bitten my tongue to stop myself asking similar questions.

We’re testing in a couple of days.

Until then I have to bite my tongue. Are we nearly there yet?

A stressful IUI

IUI today was stressful to say the least.

Firstly, I feel horrendous. In the last few days, I’ve been averaging around 3-4 hours of sleep a night. In addition, I’m in the early stages of coming off one of my meds. Coming off an antidepressant is rarely pretty, and this is no exception. If it weren’t for the fact it is actually basting day today, I would not have left my bed! I’ve spent the day exhausted, headachey and nauseous.

Then there was the IUI. At first all seemed well. We didn’t have too long a wait and were called into theatre quite quickly. Then it got tricky.

OH has a bend in her cervix, and this can make it hard to get the catheter into the right place. Today it was a nightmare. It took ages. Poor OH had to lie there with the speculum in for what felt like ages, while the nurse prodded at her cervix. It took about 6 catheters of varying types, and 2 nurses to finally succeed.

OH and I were getting pretty stressed and were so worried they were going to give up. Thankfully that wasn’t the case.

While all this was going on, my medication withdrawal was causing me bother, and I started to feel dizzy and like I was going to throw up. Thankfully I didn’t, but it was close.

After the procedure OH lay down and the nurses brought us a cup of tea each and some orange juice for OH.  Once she had recovered, we left and given the state I was in, we got a taxi home, and I’ve been in bed ever since.

And now, we wait. 2 weeks.

Prayers and baby dust appreciated!

IUI #4: Coming soon!

My last 2 posts have been dominated by my baking exploits of the last week or so.  Now we’re back on topic!  Tomorrow is our 4th natural cycle of IUI.  As I am trying to think of it, the bonus cycle, the one we never expected.  Our clinic’s usual protocol is 3 natural cycles, 3 cycles with superovulation, and then we’d be entitled to NHS IVF (provided nothing changes with the PCT between now and then).

I wasn’t particularly enthused about more IUI, especially another natural cycle, but when it came to a choice between a natural cycle in May, or nothing until July, it was really a no brainer.  I’d much rather we were doing something than just more waiting.

We’ve been a bit nervous today.  When we went for OH’s scan yesterday, her dominant follicle was just under 15mm (treatable size is minimum of 15).  We were a bit nervous about what today would bring, since we’ve had a cancelled cycle before due to OH ovulating before the follicle matured to treatable size.  When we went today, the follicle was 18mm, which again has us nervous, in case OH ovulates too soon.

Nothing we can do about that since it’s a natural cycle.  We can make sure she doesn’t ovulate too late using the HCG trigger shot.  Now, this might sound weird, but I liked that OH was again given Pregnyl.  Our first couple of treatment, it was the Ovitrelle pre-filled pen, but Pregnyl has to be mixed, and needs syringes and stuff.  This meant I got to help!  Last time with the Pregnyl OH struggled a little with hands shaking and just not having enough hands to hold the vials and draw the liquid up into the syringe.  All I had to do was hold one of the vials, but I got to be helpful!  Mostly there is nothing I can do.  Hold OH’s hand during insemination.  It’s about as active as it gets!  This might sound like such a small, daft thing, but it’s nice to be able to do something practical.

Regarding the actual treatment, once again I am trying not to get my hopes up.  The odds properly suck, for starters.  I’m also terrified of another miscarriage.  If/when it happens, I have no idea how I’ll be able to relax, at least for the 1st trimester, but probably for the entire pregnancy.

Despite my best efforts, I still find myself looking for signs that it’ll work.  I’ve not asked the magic 8 ball this time, but I’m counting magpies – there are truckloads of magpies around here.  But there’s no pattern – lots of one for sorrow, a 3 for a girl, 4 for a boy, maybe the odd 2 for joy as well.  Random and meaningless.

The one I really cannot get out of my head though is that OH had a stroke of inspiration in church, during Evensong.  That is when the idea of a 4th natural cycle hit her.  So I can’t get it out of my head that maybe it was God who gave her this idea.  I shouldn’t look for signs like this, but I just can’t help it.

Oh well, let’s just wait and see what the next 2 weeks brings.