So where are we at?

OH went for bloods yesterday.  The result was negative. Not pregnant any more.

This is the result we ‘wanted’. Once the first test had come back with the hcg level of 9, we knew it wasn’t promising, but there seemed like a tiny smidge of hope since OH hadn’t bled.

Then she started bleeding, and it all changed. It started to feel like last time.

OH and I started to deal with it all in different ways. I hated being in the house, sitting with nothing much to do other than think. I liked having things to do, things to focus on. I started to get excited about our holiday. And everything I enjoyed, or looked forward to, just made me feel guilty. I felt awful, callous and just like an awful person for enjoying anything. And I felt like I just couldn’t do anything right at all.

I made it to church on Sunday and got all through the service OK. Then afterwards I lit a prayer candle, and dissolved in a blubbing mess of tears. 2 old ladies came to ask if I was OK. I was so embarrassed.

We went for bloods again yesterday, and I was desperate for the result to be negative. I dreaded it turning into a situation like last time. And then I started thinking ‘does this mean I’m wishing for our baby to die?’ And I felt really horrible. I knew there wasn’t going to be a baby at the end of it. I knew that positive blood results would just result in everything being the same as before. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was just awful for wanting this to end.

Since we got the result, I think it’s just hitting me what’s happened.

We fly out to Spain on Saturday with my family. I hope I enjoy it as much as I think I will. OH is anxious about it, but I think looking forward to it more than she was.

When we get back we should be able to start again pretty soon. Once OH gets her period we ring the clinic, and start with superovulation.

See what fun and games that brings.

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One of my favourite bible passages

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”” -Revelation 21: 2-4 (NIV)

I usually find it so comforting.

Today I feel a long way from God.

We need prayers and baby dust!

Today is day 14. The end of the 2 week wait. Blood test day.

OH has peed on 3 sticks over the last few days, and has got some desperately faint lines to show for it.

She had spotting on Sunday, and nothing since. Her boobs are sore. She is nauseous. This is the first time we’ve got beyond day 13 without her period starting.

OH feels pregnant.

Why can’t the damn pee sticks reflect this?

I realise Sunday is quite late for a whacking great positive test, but this feels so familiar.

When we had the miscarriage, OH knew she was pregnant. But the tests never showed it. I’m terrified it’s happening again.

We’ll get the blood results back around 4. Please pray for us?

Are we nearly there yet?

When I was a child, we used to drive to various parts of the UK on holiday. The familiar refrain rang out again and again, long after my parents had lost patience with it.

“Are we nearly there yet Mam?”

Sometimes I would say it with my tongue firmly in my cheek, sometimes one of us would say it before we left the drive…

Fast forward a couple of decades, and I’m at it again. 9 days in to the 2 week wait, and I’ve asked the TTC equivalent of ‘are we nearly there yet’ a couple of times already. As soon as I ask, I hate myself for it!

Do you feel any different? Do you feel pregnant?

And this doesn’t take into account all the times I’ve bitten my tongue to stop myself asking similar questions.

We’re testing in a couple of days.

Until then I have to bite my tongue. Are we nearly there yet?

He’s back!

We contacted local animal shelters.  We contacted local vets.  We combed the area with a fine toothed comb. OH pelted the neighbours with flyers.

10 minutes later, Bertie struts in as if nothing has happened, demands food, eats, and leaves again!

No doubt he’ll be back soon, and will have a shock when he’s carted back off to the vet to have his poorly eye re-assessed!

It’s a good job he’s cute, I can tell you!

Missing cat :(

Our Bertie has gone missing.  We had him to the vet yesterday as he has an injury to his eye that may need surgery, got him home, and haven’t seen him since yesterday afternoon 😦  OH and I have both been out looking for him this morning.  I’ve barely slept at all as I couldn’t stop worrying about him and now I’m exhausted, have a headache and feel sick.

Bertie cuddles on my lap

Bertie cuddles on my lap

This isn’t really like him.  We took him in as a stray, and sometimes he’ll stay out all night and isn’t around on a morning for breakfast, but this is a long time for us not to have seen him.  He’s due at the vets again at 5 this evening to see if there has been any improvement in his eye, but I just can’t see him being back in time.

He forgets to put his tongue away

He forgets to put his tongue away

If he really is gone, he will be the 3rd cat of ours to go missing, the second in a year.  We never found out what happened to Harry or Tabbington, and I’m scared the same is going to happen with Bertie.  I’m starting to wonder if we should be letting them out at all.  But then, we’ve had another 3 cats who haven’t gone missing, so who knows?

Come home Bertie, we miss you 😦

Having a wash

Having a wash

Please pray that we get him home safe and sound?

 

 

 

 

Grumpypants

Today I went shopping.

I hate shopping. It makes me very grumpy.

As you may have noticed, I am going on holiday in less than 3 weeks, and I needed some swim wear.  I am somewhat well endowed, and need a suit that will give me good support.  These are very hard to find, and those I found are incredibly pricey! The cheapest I’ve been able to find a tankini (I am not a huge fan of one piece suits, and am too flabby for a bikini) that offers enough support is £32!  I currently have 2, but one of them cost £60(!) and I am dithering about whether I can justify that.  So I’ve ordered a 3rd, but that will cost me £44, which I still think is a hell of a lot of money for a swimsuit!  I’ll be keeping 2 of them.

In case you’re interested, here are the 3 I’ve ordered:

http://tinyurl.com/p6nmtxn

http://tinyurl.com/ouk29ud

http://tinyurl.com/lwmozay

I’m definitely keeping the floral one, but I’m dithering between the lovely green one and the black one.  To be honest, the only reason I’m dithering is price – in terms of how much I like them there is no comparison between the green flowery bravissimo one and the black one!  I am trying to be sensible, but the expensive one is just so much nicer. <sigh>

OH and I were talking today, and it really seems that to get clothes that fit well on us women with bigger boobs, we have to spend a bloody fortune.  We have named this a tit tax!

And it makes me a grumpypants.

A stressful IUI

IUI today was stressful to say the least.

Firstly, I feel horrendous. In the last few days, I’ve been averaging around 3-4 hours of sleep a night. In addition, I’m in the early stages of coming off one of my meds. Coming off an antidepressant is rarely pretty, and this is no exception. If it weren’t for the fact it is actually basting day today, I would not have left my bed! I’ve spent the day exhausted, headachey and nauseous.

Then there was the IUI. At first all seemed well. We didn’t have too long a wait and were called into theatre quite quickly. Then it got tricky.

OH has a bend in her cervix, and this can make it hard to get the catheter into the right place. Today it was a nightmare. It took ages. Poor OH had to lie there with the speculum in for what felt like ages, while the nurse prodded at her cervix. It took about 6 catheters of varying types, and 2 nurses to finally succeed.

OH and I were getting pretty stressed and were so worried they were going to give up. Thankfully that wasn’t the case.

While all this was going on, my medication withdrawal was causing me bother, and I started to feel dizzy and like I was going to throw up. Thankfully I didn’t, but it was close.

After the procedure OH lay down and the nurses brought us a cup of tea each and some orange juice for OH.  Once she had recovered, we left and given the state I was in, we got a taxi home, and I’ve been in bed ever since.

And now, we wait. 2 weeks.

Prayers and baby dust appreciated!

IUI #4: Coming soon!

My last 2 posts have been dominated by my baking exploits of the last week or so.  Now we’re back on topic!  Tomorrow is our 4th natural cycle of IUI.  As I am trying to think of it, the bonus cycle, the one we never expected.  Our clinic’s usual protocol is 3 natural cycles, 3 cycles with superovulation, and then we’d be entitled to NHS IVF (provided nothing changes with the PCT between now and then).

I wasn’t particularly enthused about more IUI, especially another natural cycle, but when it came to a choice between a natural cycle in May, or nothing until July, it was really a no brainer.  I’d much rather we were doing something than just more waiting.

We’ve been a bit nervous today.  When we went for OH’s scan yesterday, her dominant follicle was just under 15mm (treatable size is minimum of 15).  We were a bit nervous about what today would bring, since we’ve had a cancelled cycle before due to OH ovulating before the follicle matured to treatable size.  When we went today, the follicle was 18mm, which again has us nervous, in case OH ovulates too soon.

Nothing we can do about that since it’s a natural cycle.  We can make sure she doesn’t ovulate too late using the HCG trigger shot.  Now, this might sound weird, but I liked that OH was again given Pregnyl.  Our first couple of treatment, it was the Ovitrelle pre-filled pen, but Pregnyl has to be mixed, and needs syringes and stuff.  This meant I got to help!  Last time with the Pregnyl OH struggled a little with hands shaking and just not having enough hands to hold the vials and draw the liquid up into the syringe.  All I had to do was hold one of the vials, but I got to be helpful!  Mostly there is nothing I can do.  Hold OH’s hand during insemination.  It’s about as active as it gets!  This might sound like such a small, daft thing, but it’s nice to be able to do something practical.

Regarding the actual treatment, once again I am trying not to get my hopes up.  The odds properly suck, for starters.  I’m also terrified of another miscarriage.  If/when it happens, I have no idea how I’ll be able to relax, at least for the 1st trimester, but probably for the entire pregnancy.

Despite my best efforts, I still find myself looking for signs that it’ll work.  I’ve not asked the magic 8 ball this time, but I’m counting magpies – there are truckloads of magpies around here.  But there’s no pattern – lots of one for sorrow, a 3 for a girl, 4 for a boy, maybe the odd 2 for joy as well.  Random and meaningless.

The one I really cannot get out of my head though is that OH had a stroke of inspiration in church, during Evensong.  That is when the idea of a 4th natural cycle hit her.  So I can’t get it out of my head that maybe it was God who gave her this idea.  I shouldn’t look for signs like this, but I just can’t help it.

Oh well, let’s just wait and see what the next 2 weeks brings.