Baking: a vote

I need to bake a something for work soon, and as I’ve done cakes a few times now, I’m looking to branch out.

The options are:
Summer berry cheesecake
Some kind of fruit tart

OH has voted cheesecake. What do you think?

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So where are we at?

OH went for bloods yesterday.  The result was negative. Not pregnant any more.

This is the result we ‘wanted’. Once the first test had come back with the hcg level of 9, we knew it wasn’t promising, but there seemed like a tiny smidge of hope since OH hadn’t bled.

Then she started bleeding, and it all changed. It started to feel like last time.

OH and I started to deal with it all in different ways. I hated being in the house, sitting with nothing much to do other than think. I liked having things to do, things to focus on. I started to get excited about our holiday. And everything I enjoyed, or looked forward to, just made me feel guilty. I felt awful, callous and just like an awful person for enjoying anything. And I felt like I just couldn’t do anything right at all.

I made it to church on Sunday and got all through the service OK. Then afterwards I lit a prayer candle, and dissolved in a blubbing mess of tears. 2 old ladies came to ask if I was OK. I was so embarrassed.

We went for bloods again yesterday, and I was desperate for the result to be negative. I dreaded it turning into a situation like last time. And then I started thinking ‘does this mean I’m wishing for our baby to die?’ And I felt really horrible. I knew there wasn’t going to be a baby at the end of it. I knew that positive blood results would just result in everything being the same as before. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was just awful for wanting this to end.

Since we got the result, I think it’s just hitting me what’s happened.

We fly out to Spain on Saturday with my family. I hope I enjoy it as much as I think I will. OH is anxious about it, but I think looking forward to it more than she was.

When we get back we should be able to start again pretty soon. Once OH gets her period we ring the clinic, and start with superovulation.

See what fun and games that brings.

One of my favourite bible passages

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”” -Revelation 21: 2-4 (NIV)

I usually find it so comforting.

Today I feel a long way from God.