Waiting. (And other news) Duplicate

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Waiting. (And other news)

Always waiting. Waiting until I think my head will explode if I have to wait any longer. And of course, we just have to wait longer.

Since we got our last negative test, we’ve known we’d have to wait until July for our next treatment. We were told that before we start with superovulation we needed a clinic appointment with a Dr.

In the mean time, we learned that we are now at the top of the clinic’s waiting list for their sperm, so now we don’t have to pay for the jism any more. Today we went in to look at their limited choice of donors. It was nothing like our last sperm shopping experience. For a start, there were only 3 to choose from (although one was cmv+, so we ruled him out since OH is cmv-). Last time, we got pages of information about the donor, his medical history – more information than I could reasonably take in actually – and a baby photo of him. This time, we got a reference number (no comedy code name like Fritz), height, eye colour, hair colour, skin tone and what he does for a living (oh, and cmv status).  We still managed to get one with similar colouring to me, which is nice, since we weren’t sure we’d be able to. And he’s only new, so we’ve got a greater window of opportunity for siblings.

While there, the nurse saw we didn’t have a clinic appointment until 14th may. She spoke to the Dr, who said we didn’t necessarily need the clinic appointment before starting, but we do need to see a nurse before we start to go over the practicalities of the drugs. We now have that booked in for 7th may. We got quite hopeful that this would mean we could have a treatment in may, but as it turns out, when we checked OH’s period app, she’s due on 3rd may, just too early. Obviously, this is pretty disappointing, having got our hopes up, however briefly.

We did also learn though that, even if we weren’t going on holiday in June, we couldn’t have had treatment then as they shut for maintenance for 3 weeks in June, and while there is some stuff they can do, the labs are shut, meaning they can’t prepare sperm. At least this means we can enjoy our holiday knowing we aren’t missing a treatment opportunity.

July is still a bloody long way away though.

Meanwhile, we spent last weekend visiting OH’s family. We don’t see much of them, as they are dotted all over the country, but on Sunday we were at our niece’s thanksgiving service (a bit like a baptism, but without flinging holy water about) and everyone was there – aunt, uncles, grandparents, cousins – and none of these people knew about our baby plans. Only OH’s parents, sister and brother in law knew.

We were pretty certain that the majority of the family would be fine with it (and we were right) but there were question marks about OH’s aunt, who was a little uncomfortable about OH being gay, and I think has had reservations about gay parenting.

As it turns out, she was fine too. And when she heard about the miscarriage she was really understanding. She couldn’t have kids herself, which has caused her a lot of pain, and really seemed to get how difficult this is.

Some definite good news then. It makes me realise just how lucky we are in some respects, having the love and support of our families as we go through all of this (my family are very supportive too). I know people whose families disowned them when they came out. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.

Now. Back to waiting…

Egg sharing rejected

At the weekend, OH raised the subject of IVF with egg sharing at a private clinic nearby, instead of IUI with super ovulation. We discussed it a lot, I researched it a lot. My choice, if it were just my choice, would be to go straight to the private clinic to start the tests etc needed for IVF and egg sharing.

From my point of view, there are lots of positives to doing this:
1. Greater chance of success.
2. Cost. If we were accepted as egg sharers, we would have the IVF paid for, and only have to pay for the sperm, and only one shot at that. Should one attempt not work, we would have spare embryos to try another month (although we’d have to pay for embryo storage, and for subsequent treatments, but that would still be less than the IUI).
3. Should we decide we wanted another child down the line, we are more likely to be able to afford it. And it might be that I could carry the baby, and it be a full genetic sibling.
4. We could keep using the donor we carefully chose all those months ago, and who is the father of baby May.
5. I can’t get it out of my head that my cousin and her partner had 6 failed IUIs, and then on their first IVF were successful. I know there are no guarantees, but that thought is pretty planted in my head.

There are also down sides:
1. There is no guarantee OH would be accepted as an egg sharer.
2. We would have to pay consultation fees and probably for some of the necessary blood tests. This takes away some of our budget for future IUI, should OH not be accepted.
3. IVF is more invasive than IUI.
4. The private clinic is an hour’s drive away, as opposed to a short bus ride/20 minutes in the car.
5. OH has now got a few issues with what happens to the unused embryos, and is also reluctant to change clinics.
6. The success rate at our local branch of the clinic is lower than other branches.
7. There will be delays caused by some of the testing needed (e.g. HIV testing) and possibly with being matched with a recipient.
8. What if the recipient is successful and we aren’t?

This is a big decision to make, and given that it is more invasive and it’s OH who would have to go through it. So while I’ve made my preference known, ultimately it’s got to be her who has the final say.

OH has decided she would like to try more IUI, which has me kind of disappointed. I’m dreading more IUI.  Even with super ovulation, my understanding is that the odds still aren’t great. And while we’d still be waiting a while if we went for the IVF, we’d at least be doing SOMETHING right now – tests and such. As it is, there is nothing we can do, only wait. 2 week waits suck, but I think this wait sucks even more. I’m always powerless in this, but with there just being nothing happening, this feels worse.

I feel quite guilty admitting I’m upset by this. I feel like admitting I’m upset is putting pressure on OH to change her mind, which is the very last thing I want. I support her whatever happens, and fully understand her reasoning, but it doesn’t change that I feel how I feel. And how I feel is disappointed.

Negative

OH got her period today, early.

Needless to say, we’re pretty gutted.

This was the 3rd natural cycle IUI we’ve had, and the next step now is to add in drugs.

Unless we are at the top of the clinic’s sperm waiting list, we are unlikely to be able to have treatment next cycle as it takes time to order in the sperm. I’m not sure where we are on the list though, although I think we’re close to the top now, so who knows.

I’m feeling downcast and nervous.

The weirdest 2ww ever

It still doesn’t feel real. Our previous cycles have been all torturous and waiting on edge and looking for signs. This time, we’re not.

It hasn’t really registered that last Tuesday we had an iui and OH could be pregnant right now. There’s been very little singing ‘just keep swimming’. No patting OH’s tummy and whispering ‘implant little one’. No counting the days to the earliest point we could test. I think we’re testing on Sunday.

I guess this is still partly due to the low-key nature of the treatment.

And also, for me, probably because I’ve been almost bed bound with a fairly epic chest infection since Thursday and I’m feeling rather sorry for myself!

So, probably testing Sunday. And I don’t even feel the slightest bit of anticipation about it.